All my eggs in one basket……..

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You’ve all heard the saying Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Well I’m pretty good at doing just that.  Once I find something or someone that works well with me I kinda get tunnel vision and only see that one thing. Which can be a cool thing…sometimes…..and sometimes not.

When I was younger when things went bad it was so easy to just find something else to do. there was always another friend to go hangout with. Always a sibling to annoy. Or always something good on the tv to watch. Endless possibilities!!! But as I got older I found myself with less and less options. It wasn’t that there wasn’t lots of different things to do, because there was. It’s just that I wasn’t as interested in them as I used to. My tastes and opinions got to be very one sided. My creativity button wasn’t getting used as much, and it was my own fault. I closed off a lot of options for myself because I was too worried about what others might think. Or what my boyfriend/now husband might care about. I limited myself to only a few options without even knowing that that was what I was doing.

I think as woman we do that naturally. We instinctively turn towards what others are doing. What makes us feel like part of something special because thats all any of us want, is to feel and BE special. We want someone to tell us we are doing a good job. That we look beautiful. That what we say matters. So we close doors to things that are weird. To things that nobody wants. and we follow the crowd, and in the end we end up putting all our “eggs” in one basket. So to speak. We don’t do this because we mean to. In fact most don’t know that they are doing it. Now don’t get me wrong there are some awesome butt kicking woman out there doing their own things and looking fabulous doing it. My sister in law happens to be one of those, but as for me; I just want to be noticed and appreciated.

Stop right there! Now this is not a poor Jenn moment I don’t want a million calls or texts saying how much you love me and appreciate me and blah blah blah. because I KNOW that I am appreciated. That I am loved and wanted, and to be frank I have an awesomely blessed life thanks to the Lord. But just because I’m blessed doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days. Or don’t feel under appreciated, or alone. I’m human and am allowed to have feelings….not just one feeling, but MANY! Its what I do with those said feeling that counts.

Well that was a good rant. back to the topic at hand. putting all my eggs in one basket. I have decided to branch out and start filling up different baskets. To explore new avenues, and try new things. To start pushing my creativity button and find out what happens.

So here I am standing out in the open arms stretched out eyes toward God saying “Here I am Lord! Which baskets do you have for me to fill? Which paths do you want me to go on? Where do you want me to but my energy into, to use the gifts that you have given me for? What can I do to bring Glory to Your Kingdom?”

Those are my questions. That is what I am looking for, because if there is one true truth in this life it’s that God has a plan for me. In Jeremiah 29:11-14

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

 This is what I hold onto when life gets rough. When friends and people let me down, when I am feeling lost and alone. I cling to this one truth because it is safe.

So as the picture above says Whenever I get sad I’m going to STOP being sad and be awesome instead. It’s that easy. I’m going to CHOSE to be awesome. To enjoy my wonderfully blessed life.

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And then I was a mom

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POOF!!! that’s all the time it took for me to realize I was a MOM. But lets start at the beginning.

In the beginning of April 2012 my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child. I was ecstatic to say the least! I had been dreaming and waiting for this day to come since I could remember. I was nervous but feeling very confident that I was going to be a fantastic mother, after all that is what I was told from almost every person who ever knew me growing up.
(Disclaimer: I am in no way blaming, mad at or thinking that this is in any way anyone else’s fault, problem, or issue other than my own.)
I LOVED and I mean LOVED children growing up (still do) . I understood them, got where they were coming from and genuinely had a ton of fun being around children. I was babysitting kids as soon as someone would let me. I just knew that I was made to have at least 40 children. (no seriously I thought I was going to have 40 children) Anyone who knew me told me I was great with kids and I would make an awesome mother. I was told this and am still told this to this very day.
So when I found out I was pregnant I just KNEW I had this in the bag. Of course I knew that it would get hard sometimes and that I couldn’t do everything on my own, but I was sure that I could do it all, and look fabulous doing it!!!!!
When December 16th 2012 FINALLY came around, and I held that little scrunchy face baby in my arms I felt empowered. Amazing is how I felt. I couldn’t describe it any other way except phenomenal. I thought “POOF” I AM A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOPE not even close.

My precious baby. My perfect bundle of joy. Everything I ever wanted. Did NOT do as I wanted him to do. He would not breastfeed for starters! I spent my whole pregnancy telling anyone who would listen how wonderful breastfeeding was. That the best thing a mother could do was to breastfeed her child. It didn’t even occur to me that breastfeeding wasn’t an option. Needless to say my husband and I, along with our midwife and an lactation expert couldn’t make breastfeeding work for my little man and I. So with a heavy, heavy heart my husband and I decided we were just going to give him a bottle and I was going to pump. I was devastated. In my world there was something wrong with me because I was not breastfeeding my child in the “traditional way”. That was the first rock that crumbled in my “perfect” alter that I had set myself up upon. (Spoiler: I eventually came to terms and let go and let GOD when it came to breastfeeding and found a lot of truth when it came to ALL my little preconceived notions about what a “good” mom did.)

The second rock that fell was the notion that I was going to be able to keep a tidy house, cook delicious home cooked healthy meals every night, and pretty much be the best wife and mother ever. All without breaking a sweat! I really thought I could do it all! Afterall I was going to be an amazing mom, and that is what an amazing mom did. I do not know where I got that concept from but it stuck with me.

My mighty alter  finally crumbled and fell when I realized that I was doing a terrible job at all of the above things. My son never did what I wanted him to do when I wanted him to do it. My house looked like a disaster zone. There was little things everywhere. I almost never cooked partly because I was so tired and party because every other hour for the first while I was pumping. And Lastly I was a big grouch to my wonderful husband.  I was devastated. I really expected to be the perfect mom and wife. My expectations were so high I don’t think a hundred woman could do everything I expected myself to do.

The moment where it all came together was when I realized that I did not have to have everything perfect. That it was ok to fail and try again. It wasn’t until I stop trying to control everything and let God direct my path, that I realized that there is no guide-book. No instruction manual to being a parent, and that all other parents are freaking out and running around crazy and trying to figure out how to do this thing called parenting.

It was then “POOF” I discovered I was a MOM