POOF!!! that’s all the time it took for me to realize I was a MOM. But lets start at the beginning.
In the beginning of April 2012 my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child. I was ecstatic to say the least! I had been dreaming and waiting for this day to come since I could remember. I was nervous but feeling very confident that I was going to be a fantastic mother, after all that is what I was told from almost every person who ever knew me growing up.
(Disclaimer: I am in no way blaming, mad at or thinking that this is in any way anyone else’s fault, problem, or issue other than my own.)
I LOVED and I mean LOVED children growing up (still do) . I understood them, got where they were coming from and genuinely had a ton of fun being around children. I was babysitting kids as soon as someone would let me. I just knew that I was made to have at least 40 children. (no seriously I thought I was going to have 40 children) Anyone who knew me told me I was great with kids and I would make an awesome mother. I was told this and am still told this to this very day.
So when I found out I was pregnant I just KNEW I had this in the bag. Of course I knew that it would get hard sometimes and that I couldn’t do everything on my own, but I was sure that I could do it all, and look fabulous doing it!!!!!
When December 16th 2012 FINALLY came around, and I held that little scrunchy face baby in my arms I felt empowered. Amazing is how I felt. I couldn’t describe it any other way except phenomenal. I thought “POOF” I AM A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOPE not even close.
My precious baby. My perfect bundle of joy. Everything I ever wanted. Did NOT do as I wanted him to do. He would not breastfeed for starters! I spent my whole pregnancy telling anyone who would listen how wonderful breastfeeding was. That the best thing a mother could do was to breastfeed her child. It didn’t even occur to me that breastfeeding wasn’t an option. Needless to say my husband and I, along with our midwife and an lactation expert couldn’t make breastfeeding work for my little man and I. So with a heavy, heavy heart my husband and I decided we were just going to give him a bottle and I was going to pump. I was devastated. In my world there was something wrong with me because I was not breastfeeding my child in the “traditional way”. That was the first rock that crumbled in my “perfect” alter that I had set myself up upon. (Spoiler: I eventually came to terms and let go and let GOD when it came to breastfeeding and found a lot of truth when it came to ALL my little preconceived notions about what a “good” mom did.)
The second rock that fell was the notion that I was going to be able to keep a tidy house, cook delicious home cooked healthy meals every night, and pretty much be the best wife and mother ever. All without breaking a sweat! I really thought I could do it all! Afterall I was going to be an amazing mom, and that is what an amazing mom did. I do not know where I got that concept from but it stuck with me.
My mighty alter finally crumbled and fell when I realized that I was doing a terrible job at all of the above things. My son never did what I wanted him to do when I wanted him to do it. My house looked like a disaster zone. There was little things everywhere. I almost never cooked partly because I was so tired and party because every other hour for the first while I was pumping. And Lastly I was a big grouch to my wonderful husband. I was devastated. I really expected to be the perfect mom and wife. My expectations were so high I don’t think a hundred woman could do everything I expected myself to do.
The moment where it all came together was when I realized that I did not have to have everything perfect. That it was ok to fail and try again. It wasn’t until I stop trying to control everything and let God direct my path, that I realized that there is no guide-book. No instruction manual to being a parent, and that all other parents are freaking out and running around crazy and trying to figure out how to do this thing called parenting.
It was then “POOF” I discovered I was a MOM